My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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