This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
