The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
