I cannot find my penis.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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