haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
