she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
