He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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