Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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