There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
