I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
