There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I love you.
Bad choice
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
