Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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