Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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