That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
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I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I didn't notice because vodka
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He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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