oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
