Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
