did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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