I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
