Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
