i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
