Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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