ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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