my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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