the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
