Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
