Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
