I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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