My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
her vagine was all disorganized.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Randomize
