I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize