It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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