I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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