Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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