So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
