we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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