We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
