I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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