she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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