the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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