just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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