this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
