Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He shit in the fireplace
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
