Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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