found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
