She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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