Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
