He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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