Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Be still, my beating vagina.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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