OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
