sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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