As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A+ Viking dick
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize