Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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