just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
