I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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