Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
