I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So squirting runs in the family.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
