I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
