If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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