ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
