she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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