just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you traded sex for a burrito?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
