I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
