I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm both gender and math confused
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
